oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
