apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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