Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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