i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
