His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
