Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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