.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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