Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
