well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
