I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
