YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
