Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
dude. I can hear the air.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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