My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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