i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
