don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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