at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
