He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
