I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
