I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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