I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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