a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Text me some of your sweat
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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