Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
