dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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