i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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