actually, I'm a sock model
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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