I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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