Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
ttyl tear gas
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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