She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
ok first of all what the fuck
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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