Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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