I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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