you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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