i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
