Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
