Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
its not stalking. its research.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We have started to decorate penises.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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