She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
