the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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