weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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