i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
