Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
