No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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