she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We named our party play list daddy issues
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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