John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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