Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
