I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
