all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
