I think my vagina is haunted
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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