Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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