my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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