Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
