Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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