when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
