You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
