i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Church boner. Awkwardddd
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
