I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
