just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
These tits shall not be calmed
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
