My liver just broke up with me...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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