I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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