Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
