my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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